Parenting offers few sure steps. Which is a lot of pressure considering that you’re shaping someone’s life. But you’re not alone. A new generation of therapists is offering a reassuring hand and a little perspective.

By Breanne Cook

Most people think of summer as a relaxing, enjoyable time of year. For Rachel*, it was anything but.

After 14 years as a parent, Rachel noticed her three children no longer followed rules or took her authority seriously. “Everything was a struggle,” she recalls. “I found that conversation with the kids often turned from talking into yelling, and the kids figured Mom didn’t care until she yelled.” She also noticed that previously successful parenting strategies had begun to falter. “Every request I made required three reminders before the kids decided Mom was serious. I’d always used the ‘counting to three’ method, and it seemed like they had begun to assume that every task came with three chances built in before they could be punished.”

Rachel’s difficulties with the children grew as summer progressed, eventually reaching a point where she felt her kids were uncontrollable. Unfortunately, her husband’s attempts to assist with discipline issues did little to solve the problem. “We had very different parenting styles: I’m type A, while my husband is a much more relaxed type B,” she says. “After 16 years of marriage, we finally decided we wanted to be on the same page when it comes to parenting.”

Searching for a solution, Rachel found herself somewhere she never knew existed — the office of a parent coach.

Back to basics

Though most people have never heard of parent coaching, many parents consider it an invaluable asset. Parent coaches are trained professionals who assist clients with difficult parenting situations or decisions — or simply provide the reassurance sought by new or nervous parents.

“I get calls from parents looking for help with potty training and tantrums, parents of adolescents looking for help with an out-of-control teen involved in drugs and alcohol or defiant behavior, and everything in between,” says Robin Kevles-Necowitz, a licensed professional counselor and parenting coach in Yardley. “I have even received calls from parents of adult children looking for ways to disengage from their grown children who are still overly reliant on them.” Parent coaches must be prepared for any of these situations, and therefore rely on a broad base of knowledge and expertise in providing assistance to their clients.

Parent coaches go through a process with each client to guide and reassure them, which, according to Camille Cocozza of Open Way Coaching in Lower Bucks County, follows these lines: coaches listen to the client’s description of the situation; ask questions that allow the client to clarify his or her concerns, tap into their own knowledge and intuition, explore solutions and set goals to achieve the desired changes; offer their own knowledge and experience; and hold the client accountable for actions he or she decides to take. “Coaching empowers clients to draw on their own strengths in moving forward toward their goals,” Cocozza says. “This helps them express more confidence in their ability and pride in their accomplishments [throughout the process].”

Coaching styles and fees do vary, though most parents sign up for a series of regular sessions via phone, email or office visits. Kevles-Necowitz primarily offers in-person consultations, with email and phone support options available; Cocozza specializes in phone sessions, but also offers free telephone-based classes on popular parenting topics, classes and support groups. When difficult situations or parenting “emergencies” arise, many coaches are available 24/7 to assist parents in need.

Of course, no one can plan for every scenario — so while some parent coaches may specialize, they also keep up with research and resources that help them deal with the unique problems presented by clients. “I have a mental health background and expertise in developmental delays, so I can quickly assess the situation and refer my client to the appropriate professional if issues are beyond coaching,” Cocozza offers. 

She, like many other coaches, also draws from a wide variety of relevant written and Internet materials to assist with certain situations. Kevles-Necowitz says she often recommends two books to her clients: “I love 123 Magic for parents struggling with discipline for children under 12, or Raising the Spirited Child.”

The Payoff

After deciding her situation had reached a critical point, Rachel sought help from Kevles-Necowitz — and the results, she says, “were simply amazing.” She and her husband provided Kevles-Necowitz with background information about their home situation during the first session; following sessions each focused on a select few situations. “Robin showed us why our reactions to each situation were not very effective, then gave us strategies for handling them in the future,” Rachel recalls. “She helped us establish expectations and consequences — not punishments — in our house, showing the children that their behavior choices lead to those consequences rather than Mom or Dad’s emotions.”

In two short months, Rachel’s children have made great strides in accepting household rules and adjusting to the new discipline strategies their parents have enforced — and the family’s progress is not unique among coaching clients. “Parents tell me that the strategies I teach do work; they really can’t believe how simple some of the solutions are and how quickly they see results,” Kevles-Necowitz says. Cocozza’s clients have appreciated having someone to listen to their concerns, provide support and reassurance, discuss strategies and offer encouragement as they work toward improving their own situations.

From potty-training troubles to teenage rebellion, parenting issues no longer have to be a solo struggle for Mom or Dad. They may need only the occasional moment of reassurance; they may require long-term strategies and referrals to professional services. In Rachel’s case, a fresh perspective was enough to end her frustration. “Our experience was invaluable,” Rachel says. “We’re parenting in a different way now — and it works.”

* The name has been changed to protect the person’s identity.

PARENTING 101: Robin Kevles-Necowitz

• Disengage from all power struggles

• Remain calm and neutral in any situation

• Never hit your kids — ever

• Avoid yelling

• Keep a list of rules and consequences posted so children know the
effect of their actions

• Do not reward basic, expected behavior

• Stop trying to control your children, as this only inspires rebellion

• Trust that your children can handle their own struggles

PARENTING 101: Camille Cocozza

• Use praise and positive reinforcement rather than punishment

• Listen more and talk less

• Be consistent

• Try not to take things personally

• Don’t waste energy questioning why children do something. Tell them what is expected or how to correct a wrong action instead

• Wait until an upset child is calm to reason with him or her

• Involve the child in finding solutions

1. What a great article. I was especially excited to see Camille Cocozza included in this. I have had wonderful experiences through her advice and newsletter. She was a great find for this type of information!

   Posted by Carmen | February 6, 2009, 6:09 pm